Stephen Colbert said the media keeps playing into Donald Trump’s strategy to give him free airtime to promote his presidential campaign.
This time, the Republican frontrunner has vowed to ban Muslims — a quarter of the world’s population — from entering the U.S. but has offered no specifics on how that might be accomplished.
“How is that going to work?” Colbert wondered. “I’m not sure how the TSA would test you for your religion — though I will say their pat-downs are thorough enough to determine if you are Jewish. Or we could just casually ask people trying to enter the country, ‘Hey, I’m trying to recalibrate my compass. Do you know which direction Mecca is?’”
Colbert said no one should be surprised by Trump’s latest outrageous but vapid proposal.
“Trump has already proven he’s willing to offend every group in America except white people — and frankly, as a white person, I feel left out,” Colbert said. “It’s his entire electoral strategy. Trump says something shocking, then all of us on TV spend days repeating it, giving him millions of dollars of free air time. So I would rather not give him more of it and simply say that I agree with this bipartisan message from Republican Sen. Lindsay Graham and Democratic Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter.”
Graham said Americans should tell Trump to “go to hell,” while Nutter called him an “asshole.”
“Donald, I didn’t think it was possible anymore, but you have brought a nation together, and now I will never talk about you again — for, like, six minutes,” he said.
It actually took less than that, after Colbert talked about Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s apparent strategy of hiding out until the general election next year.
“With Hillary Clinton AWOL, you can see why I’m tempted to boot up some of the orange pony,” he said, slapping the inside of his elbow as if searching for a vein. “Because he is always talking on the camera. But you know what? There are other candidates that are talking on the camera, too — like former neurosurgeon and eyelid advertising opportunity Dr. Ben Carson.”
He showed Carson, who briefly challenged Trump but has since been too busy keeping his life story straight to draw much attention to his campaign, repeatedly pronouncing “Hamas” as “hummus.”
Colbert then went on an extended, pun-filled riff on Middle Eastern food that might make your stomach growl.
“It’s true — hummus does rule the Gaza Strip, and frankly, we all falafel about it, and the efforts to fix it have been pita-ful,” Colbert said. “No wonder they dominate the baba ganoush cycle. So if I could just offer a tahini bit of perspective here, I believe American cannot take our security for pomegranate because terrorism is a greater threat than global shawarming, and if you think the situation is just going to go away, you’re couscous.”